This post is something very different to what i normally talk about on here but i wanted to bring up the subject of dealing with a loss as sadly i lost someone very close to me and I'm pretty sure that most of you in some stage of your life will have lost someone or something very close to your heart..
I know this subject is probably quite depressing to some of you but i'm hoping that by writing this post it may help someone or a few of you out there.
If you've been reading my blog for a while now or even just the past couple of posts i mentioned that i sadly lost my Grandma back in November to Bowel Cancer. This is such a touchy subject to me because i hardly talk about it now out loud to anybody.. However that doesn't mean i don't think about her nearly every second of every day. In July last year i had a dreaded phone call with my cousin who told me about my Grandmas illness, the shock completely threw me off balance for a few weeks and in August i went to go visit her. She lived in Newcastle which is around 350 miles away from us which was an absolute nightmare travelling back and fourth. When we visited she was in hospital and had just had an operation, however she was still in a bad way and the nurses had told us that she wouldn't live long and gave us 3-6months. Sadly in November we got another dreaded phone call, my Grandma took a turn for the worse overnight and we all rushed to her bedside that night. We again travelled 350 miles just to be by her bedside and sadly the next morning she passed away with her children and a few of her grandchildren by her.
At that very moment i felt like i had no idea who i even was my heart stopped and the pain can only be described as having your heart ripped out. To this day i can still hear all the crying and wailing and it still haunts me, however all i think about is the happy times..
When someone first passes away you feel so many different emotions, it's almost like you can't keep up. It's different for everyone but my first few stages of dealing with the loss weren't great! Again, so many go through these phases as well - my first stage was REGRET, i had so much regret that i should of made more time and effort to go see her over the years to spend more time with her.. Then came the HATING MYSELF, i hated myself for not knowing sooner, not figuring out earlier that she was ill and if i could of done anything about it, wishing it was me and not her.
The next part took a lot longer and it was ACCEPTANCE - accept the fact that she was really gone and she wasn't coming back. Accepting that i would never be able to see her again.. That was the hardest part of everything, she passed away so close to my birthday and Christmas that it was hard having to through those without her.. Then came New Years Eve.. I sat and wrote a prayer for my Grandma in this prayer i wrote everything, but most importantly i said i was going to let her go.. I stood outside and burnt this piece of paper with my prayer to my Grandma and then i went into the New Year with happy thoughts and happy memories of her.
I know just how hard it is dealing with a loss especially someone so close to your heart i've lost a few people close to me but my Grandma was one of the most closest to me.
People deal with losses in different ways, only you can control what you do and how you want to deal with this loss. Please do-not think you are alone and going through all of this alone there are people out there who are going through this loss with you or other people who are coping with losses too. If you feel like you really aren't coping well there are people who can help you, maybe try counselling for a few weeks.. The worse thing to do is to shut people out, i know from personal experience this isn't the way forward.. Luckily i have very understanding friends and family!
Just because someone who also dealt with the loss is starting to move on doesn't mean they aren't still thinking of them or still hurting inside, again, i felt like i was the only one still mourning my Grandmas loss and everyone else had moved on - people deal with losses in their own ways.
I found practically everything i did bought up memories of her, the worse is when it's completely silent but it was also great having that silence so i could properly think about her.. I found myself crying all the time i was alone, so when i would have a bath i would cry, i'd get into bed and cry - wake up and cry it was horrible. Surround yourself around people, trust me it helps.
Lastly, talk it out, i know when you lose someone all you seem to talk about is them.. but, that's the best thing to do! Instead of not talking at all just talk to someone who is also dealing with the loss and you may even start to smile again...
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.